Journey's End

5:30 came fast. Sitting in the transition zone with over 600 other racers, the anxiety of race day was getting to be a bit much to handle. I tried to remember my promise to take my anxiety and turn it into excitement rather than worry. Looking at the swim course didn't help. I hadn't been in the water in over a month and a 1 mile swim seemed just about impossible at this point. But I made a promise to myself and to GLSEN and to all of the people who believed in me enough to donate to my cause and so it was time to just do it.

The anxiety of the swim ended the minute the air horn blew announcing my wave. Entering the water, I knew it would be a long plod around the buoys to the finish. I tried to remember to stay consistent and not go too fast. I kept looking up to follow the first buoy and it always seemed so far away. Eventually I closed in on it, comforted that I was a third of the way done but realizing I had just surpassed my longest practice swim and still had 2/3 of a mile to go. Just keep kicking, just keep swimming. I saw a mixture of colored swim caps, those from the wave before and those from the wave after. Rounding the second buoy, the last buoy in sight, I just tried to keep my head above water amidst the kicking and paddling of the other racers. I climbed out of the water to cheers and support from Tony. I was dizzy, but I made it. I made my way to the transition zone peeling off my wetsuit. I really thought the hardest part was over.

On my bike now, I settled in. I didn't have as much of a problem with the bike in the sprint distance race as I thought I would. I was hoping today wouldn't be any different. The wind picked up and it felt like no matter how hard I pedaled, I went nowhere. As biker after biker pedalled past me, I felt somewhat stymied. The olympic course circled twice and as I got to the first turn around I looked at my watch and found that I was surprisingly about on track with time. While comforting, I knew I had another go around mostly against the wind and my back and seat were starting to get very uncomfortable. After nearly an hour and a half, I rolled into the transition zone knowing that once off that bike, running was going to be very hard.

The last leg of the race, the run, began two hours after the start of the race. Already, the weather was hot and muggy. Six miles and change to go. Beat down by the bike, I knew the run would be my place to shine, I knew that when push came to shove the run was my strong point. But in my brick day training, I had problems completing runs because of fatigue. Now I was adding a prior swim. Suddenly six miles, an hour more of running, seemed rather impossible. A last cheer of encouragement from Tony as I left the transition area and it was just me and the course, one foot in front of the other, until the finish. The start of the run is always tough, the legs need some time to adjust. But only one mile into the run, my legs cramped up. No problem, I walked through the water station and kept going. But only half a mile later, I had to stop again. And again a half mile later. With four miles to go, I was beginning to feel defeated. The temperature was already climbing and I feared that today would be as frustrating as my training days.

As I started to run again, I thought about my endeavor to conquer this physical challenge. I thought about how much I've learned about myself in these months of training. It's been an interesting path of physical strength and endurance as well as a bit of soul searching. I've learned alot about what I can do, what I can expect of myself, and how I fit in a little easier into my own world. I've been able to work through a few things and embark on forgiveness. I also thought about my inspiration Carl Walker Hoover. I kept thinking about how Carl would never have the opportunity to be in my place, would never have the chance to challenge himself to be someone he never thought he could be. This thought coupled with my fatigue overwhelmed me. I started to cry.

After another brief walk, my legs started to unfreeze. My stride widened out and my competitive spirit went into overdrive. I wouldn't allow myself to walk any more except through water stations. To push myself, I looked at the race numbers of the people in front of me and whispered "first I'm gonna pass 842, then I'm going to pass 1357...". When I realized that I was still close to breaking my goal of completing the race in under 3 hours, I became a different person - amazed, embattled, driven. An athlete - the one I never considered myself to be. Unstoppable now, with no more thought of fatigue or fear, nothing behind me anymore except the old vision of myself, I ran faster and faster until I crossed the finish line after only 2 hours and 51 minutes - beating my ambitious goal of finishing under 3 hours.

We are a people with amazing potential and amazing power. We can be and do the best or the worst. We can teach and inspire others to be their best or their worst. We have the capacity to create and develop or destroy and defeat. We can grow or we can languish. And as much as we can try to do it ourselves, we cannot help but belong. There will always be more in us than we know and perhaps if we can all be made to see it, we will forever be unable to settle for less.

On the Brink

Well, here we are. 36 hours until the Olympic distance triathlon that I set out to conquer months ago. It's been an interesting path of physical strength and endurance as well as a bit of soul searching. I've learned alot about what I can do, what I can expect of myself, and how I fit in a little easier into my own world. I've been able to work through a few things, embark on forgiveness, and put a big check mark in front of the biggest physical challenge of my life.

well, hopefully.

But, on the brink of this endeavor, what I do know for sure is that people from disparate parts of this country, disparate walks of life, disparate cares and woes, and different histories answered my challenge to raise money for GLSEN to help them make schools a safe place for kids. Together, we've raised a little over $3,ooo.

And that's not about the race.

Building Character

The Mission:  To conquer my first ever Olympic distance marathon before the end of the summer to raise money to end bullying in schools.

Biking against the wind is difficult.  Trust me on this.  Today was a 20 mile bike and at least, well, half of it was fighting an unexpected adversary.  I had to pedal alot harder just to keep moving forward at my desired pace.  And while that sucked, I couldn't help but think that on the plus side, the extra effort was making my legs stronger and that could only help me come race day.  

Since starting this quest, I've heard alot of people talk about their own bullying experiences at school.   In looking back, many people say that they thought it was just part of being a kid.  They even comment on how, perhaps, as a result of being a bullied kid they learned self reliance, independence, and an astute sixth sense regarding getting taken advantage of.  People say that it builds character.  It's as if there is this plus side to an unexpected and undesired adversary; something that makes you stronger for your life to come.

But there has to be a better way.  Even if you can positively spin bullying, we have to agree that there is a better way to promote self reliance and independence in kids than to toughen their skin by putting them down.  We have to agree that even if we convince ourselves that there are some positive byproducts to bullying, that a race fought always against the wind leads only to exhaustion and defeat.

Help me help GLSEN bring a wind of change to the national problem of bullying in our schools. 

Donate now.

Songs from the Playlist - Never Surrender

The Mission:  To conquer an Olympic distance triathlon before the end of the summer to raise money to end bullying in school.

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Anyone who knows me well knows that I am a diehard Corey Hart fan.  I have every CD, album, cassette tape ever made and was a member of the international fan club.  I know.  As a child of the 80's, the song Sunglasses at Night was all the rage in 1984, my freshman year of high school.  But it was the song Never Surrender that had the most impact on a young kid looking for his own place in the world. "So when you're lost and on your own, you can never surrender.  And when your path won't lead you home, you can never surrender...Cause no one can take away your right to fight and to never surrender."  Thanks for that Mr. Hart.

The Inspiration

Sirdeaner Walker addressed Congress this week to talk about the importance of passing the Safe Schools Initiative. If passed, this would increase federal funding to start programs to educate schools and teachers on how to deal with and eradicate bullying in schools. Mrs. Walker is the mother of Carl Walker Hoover, the 11 year old boy that I talk about in my mission at the beginning of this blog.

I had been planning on tackling a triathlon for over a year now. I was going to do it last summer but could never find my inspiration. I started thinking about it again this spring. I read about Carl shortly after his suicide in April and things started falling into place. I knew then that I was going to accomplish my goal and I knew that I wanted to partner with GLSEN to raise money as a way of honoring the memory of Carl.

In my sprint distance race I thought of Carl twice - once when I got panicked in a mass of other swimmers and another biking up the hardest hill. I just kept thinking "you can do this, giving up is no longer an option". I feel like Carl is depending on me to finish what I started.

I know that Mrs. Walker will never read my blog or know about my meager efforts to end this huge problem. Perhaps it is enough to put something like this out for the collective winds of the universe to carry. I have no doubt she is well aware of the effect that Carl had on people's lives both in his life and in his death. And I am no exception.

The Race

The Mission: To conquer an Olympic distance triathlon before the end of the summer to raise money to end bullying in schools

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Ok, so I did it. The first major step toward my goal of completing an Olympic distance triathlon is completed. On June 21st i ran the Wisconsin Triterium Sprint Distance Triathlon and I couldn't be happier. What a crazy day of emotions and triumphs.

I awoke early with alot of nervous energy and got to the race site with over an hour to spare before the race start. I pulled my bike out of the car only to find that the innertube was flat! I was thanking my lucky stars that I learned how to change a tire the week before and used my skills to get it done. With the tire changed, I headed over to registration, got marked, found my place on the bike rack and set up my transition station. I learned that I was in the first wave of swimmers. I was assigned a bright pink swim cap! (awesome)

I entered the water when they announced go and started swimming. I cannot tell you how much excitement was filling my body and I had to remind myself to slow down. I swam a wide net around the buoys to avoid the clamor of the other swimmers and it seemed like I would never get around. My goal was to swim crawl stroke the entire time and to finish in 15 minutes. My breathing was irregular but I just kept thinking of the reasons why I took on this challenge and it forced me to keep my head in the water and push forward. I walked out of the water and looked at my watch - 11 minutes! I was energized at my time.

I ran to the transition zone and completely freaked out. I hadn't practiced transitions and so I just kept fumbling with my gear until I finally got my socks and shoes on and grabbed my bike. I ran my bike to the start line and started pedalling. I had biked the course before and so knew what to expect - hill after hill after hill. The myriad of other bikers around me ignited my competetive spirit and I pushed hard up every single climb. Before I knew it, they were signalling the half way mark and I was surprised. I completely forgot how much my thighs were burning. My goal was to not have to walk any hills and to finish in 1 hour. I got off the bike and headed to the transition zone in a mere 40 minutes!

I was feeling unstoppable and ready to crush the run until I actually started running and felt my legs cramp up. I had not trained any brick days and so going from bike to run was new for me. I had to run slower than I wanted to until my legs warmed up, about 1 mile. After that, I moved into high gear and began passing my competition. My goal was to not walk and to finish the run in 25 minutes. I only stopped for gatorade and finished in exactly 25 minutes.

I was ready to be done as I turned the corner toward the finish but I felt as exhausted as I thought I should. I felt as though I had done well but couldn't imagine doing an Olympic distance. Inspiration for training I suppose. I ran toward the finish line, they called my name, cowbells and applause ringing in my ears.

With so much behind me and so much more ahead, I am reminded of all of the hard work that GLSEN has done in the past to help kids have a safe school environment in which to grow as well as all of the hard work that they have left to do. There is no sprint to the finish in that race just steady efforts to pass milestones and crush goals one after the other.

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Who's the man?

I would like to dedicate this post to my high school gym teacher who told me that I wasn't good enough to be on the track team. I just ran my first triathlon in 1 hour and 23 minutes.

Details of race day to follow. Just needed to say that.

All You Gotta Do Is Believe

The response that I've gotten to support me in this triathlon and help me raise money for GLSEN has been nothing less than AMAZING! Together, we've managed to raise over $1200. That's incredible. And inspiring for me. From 5 dollars to 100 dollars, every single one of the donations has given me strength to keep moving forward.

Songs from the Playlist - Soar

Christina Aguilera has a couple of songs on the playlist. She won a GLAAD media award in the past for her inclusive representation of the LGBT community in her video Beautiful. And that song is on the playlist for obvious reasons. But it is her song Soar that I find to be the more amazing of the two. "When they push, when they pull, tell me can you hold on? When they say you should change, can you lift your head high and stay strong? Will you love you for you at the end of it all?" and the chorus "Don't be scared to fly alone. Find your path that is your own. Love will open every door, it's in your hands the world is yours. Don't hold back and always know all the answers they will unfold. What are you waiting for? Spread your wings and SOAR!"

Can you imagine what it would be like if kids just started singing this in the halls at school?

Check out the song on iTunes and don't forget to donate.

Shifting Gears

Mission: To conquer an Olympic distance triathlon before the end of the summer to raise money to end bullying in schools

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Biking is not my strong suit. I find it difficult to concentrate on the ever changing road and I tend to just tune out while my feet go around and around. But sometimes I have to remember that it's not just enough to pedal, you have to push and try to maintain the same revolutions while you bike so you don't lose speed or momentum. This is difficult on hills or inclines. And I'm finding it difficult to get used to changing gears. But upshifting is important - it allows you to push hard against resistance and gives you your power. And downshifting is important - on the toughest of climbs it allows you to keep moving forward if you want to navigate the open road and maintain your power.

I've focused alot so far on the negative affect that bullying can have on young lives. And it does. But today, I want to change gears. I want to dedicate this post to the awesome people who make the hurdles and hills and even the everyday of school much easier for a kid who is finding it hard to keep moving onward. Perhaps it is the one teacher who singles out your strengths in class so as to give you confidence. Or perhaps it is the one or more friends who take some of the slack and allow you to keep moving forward on your toughest of days.

There were alot of shining moments for me in high school. I couldn't have survived without the forensic team and the drama team and all of the teachers who told me that I was unstoppable. But specifically, I want to thank those who literally saved my life. Amy, I knew from the first day we met we would be lifelong friends. Kathie, who understood my need to be myself. Tom, who tried out for the dance squad so I wouldn't be the only guy. Jay, my adopted brother from the laidback family I never had. Cathy, you were a cheerleader for pete's sake and you hung out with us. Laurie, who shared my love of James Dean. Keith, my reminder that there was a whole world that mattered more than school. I endeavor to do this triathlon for you.

Because everyone should have someone who can help them shift gears.

So Far So Good

So far, we've been able to raise nearly 500 dollars for GLSEN. This is awesome for the first week! Thanks to everyone who has donated thus far. And for those of you who haven't, there is still plenty of time. Click on the link in the sidebar and join my team.

Songs from the Playlist - Details in the Fabric

Jason Mraz rocks my boat. I think he is incredibly talented and his lyrics are so thoughtful. There are alot of cool songs on the album but the one that I connected to right away was Details in the Fabric. The chorus has become somewhat of a mantra for me. "Hold your own, know your name, and go your own way." It's a message that says even when the going is tough, just remember who you are and it will all work out. Carve your own path and you will survive the toughest time. I wish the two boys who hanged themselves in April because of the bullying they suffered at school would have heard this song and held out.

The Locker Room

Mission: To conquer an Olympic distance triathlon before the end of the summer to raise money to end bullying in schools

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Swimming can be tough. It's like this intense consistent cardio workout with muscles you aren't really used to using. You have to be much more conscious of your breathing than with land exercises because, well, there's that face in the water aspect to it. I've been training in a pool at the university for the last week and a half. It's attached to a workout room, a training room, and a gymnasium and obviously the locker room that connects all pieces.

Being in the locker room was a bit of a surprise. I don't belong to a large gym and I rarely have an occasion to be undressing in a locker room. I hated the locker room when I was in high school. I was the shortest, skinniest, scrawniest kid in high school, physically immature when compared to the rest of the boys my age. I was very self conscious about my body. It was just one more thing that led to getting picked on. I hated the idea of having to take a shower with the other guys. And since I wasn't going to shower after class, that meant I couldn't get sweaty, which meant that I couldn't be as competitive in gym class as I knew that I could be. This just led to more abuse. It was a pretty viscious cycle.

I'm not that scrawny kid anymore. Far from it. I have taken steps to maintain a pretty decent looking body since then. And I haven't shied away from showing my body at the beach or in clubs. But it was interesting being back in this stereotypically straight locker room venue populated with weightlifting meat head straight guys. Immediately, I was taken back to those shy self-conscious high school days. And that surprised me.

I think there will always be a part of me that remains the shy bullied kid. I will always remember being the last kid picked for the team at recess. At 38 years old, despite being admired for so many things, I still carry the baggage of being put down by my peers. Sometimes I wear it as a badge, sometimes it can only be a scar.

And that's why I'm raising money for GLSEN. Kids should be able to deal with their own self consciousness about their bodies without having to deal with taunts from other kids. They should be able to proudly express their physicality even if they are physically behind. And you can help. Donating to my triathlon challenge by clicking the link below or in the side bar, you can be part of my team, and part of the team that stops bullying in schools.

Donate now.

Songs from the Playlist - On My Own

I was pretty young when the movie Fame was released.  But I remember how much I wanted to go to the High School of the Performing Arts.  There were so many kids there that were just like me - talented, intense, and listening to the beat of their own drum.  But I still just wanted to fit in.  Of course, I loved so many songs from the soundtrack.  But Irene Cara's ballad On My Own seemed so sad yet so powerful.  She starts with the question "sometimes I wonder where I've been, who I am, do I fit in."  Immediately, I felt a connection to this song.   The song is about self reflection and self doubt.  But when she ends the song with the words "I may not win, but I can't be thrown out here on my own" there is a self reliance and power that really helped me during some of the bad days in high school.  Check out this song on iTunes as well as the other songs in the playlist on the sidebar.  And don't forget to donate to GLSEN

Sink or Swim

The Mission: to conquer an Olympic distance triathlon by the end of the summer to raise money to end bullying in schools.

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I have to go swimming today. I am realizing that the last time I was actually in a pool to swim was a long time ago. And that 90% of my swimwear was never meant to get wet. This thought is equally fabulous as it is depressing. Bye Bye AussieBum classic, hello Nike dragsuit..

The Madison Half

I did better than I thought I would. When the folks at Orange Shoe convinced me to participate in the half marathon, I was skeptical that I would be able to do very well. The last time that I ran any significant distance was in 2001 when I ran the Chicago Marathon. But I thought it would be a great prep for triathlon training. And I find it hard to say no to the good people at Orange Shoe Gym who have helped me get ready for my upcoming race.

So, I put in my time, running the escalating weekly get togethers. I found myself sticking to a very comfortable pace of 10 minute miles. As the race day approached, my competitive spirit kicked in and I started setting a goal for myself to shave off 10 minutes of time so as to finish in under 2 hours. Race day, the adrenaline kicked in with all of the people there, and I found myself pushing faster and harder to slice off those precious ten minutes. When I handed in my chip and awaited my time, I was shocked to see that I came in at 1 hour and 52 minutes - smashing my goal time by 8 minutes and my expected time by nearly 20 minutes!

It got me thinking of a few things. The first is that it is easy to think of ourselves as one thing, to expect something from ourselves when we are complacent. I was happy to be a 10 minute miler. I was happy just to get out there and represent for Orange Shoe. And perhaps, on a daily basis, it is easier or better just to put our heads down and plod through, especially when nobody expects anything more from us. But there is more in us than sometimes we even know. The second thing is how the collective spirit of those around us can affect us or inspire us to be more, to push harder, to run faster, to dig deeper. Even though I was running alone, I was in effect connected to all of those other runners. Perhaps I needed them to be an 8.5 minute miler. And perhaps they needed me to do the same.

But just like the collective spirit of others can be inspiring, sometimes the collective presence of others can be destructive. I am talking about the affect that bullying has on kids at school. As an adult, I can view my competition and those jockeying to get in front of me as an impetus to be more, to be someone that I didn't know that I could be. But for kids, it's tougher. Bullying makes kids think they can only be the names that they are called, they can never be more than who they are, and eventually even less than what they think they can be.

That's why I am running this triathlon and raising money for GLSEN. I want to make sure that the only collective voice kids hear at school is a positive one. And you can help me. Clicking here or on the link in the sidebar will help make you part of the collective spirit that allows GLSEN to make schools a safe place for kids to learn and grow.

The Mission

I'm doing my first ever Olympic distance triathlon this summer. It is by far the greatest physical challenge I have ever attempted - a 3/4 mile swim, a 25 mile bike, and a 10K run. Especially considering that all of my life I've never considered myself to be much of an athlete.

So, why the blog? It's because it's not about the race. I need your help. Recently, a young man I've never met decided to take his own life. One of the major factors in his decision to commit suicide was the relentless and sometimes daily bullying he suffered at school. Among other things, this young man endured constant taunts directed at his sexual orientation. The boy was 11. He was a good student, was involved in extracurricular activities like football, had friends and a supportive family. And yet he came to believe that anything, anything would be better than another day of bullying. anything. even death. That's what bullying can do. It can make kids forget all of the positive things in their lives because all of the negative things they hear slowly take away their own positive self image. And this young man isn't alone. More than two thirds of middle school students reported being assaulted or harrassed at school in the previous year. Only 41% of students said they felt very safe in school. I was once a bullied kid.

That's why I'm teaming up with GLSEN, a national organization dedicated to eradicating bullying in schools. They believe, like I do, that school should be a safe place for kids to learn, explore, and grow. And whether a kid is gay or straight, expresses gender in a different way than everyone is used to, or hasn't even given stuff like sexual orientation a second thought, that kid should never have to endure bullying about it.

So, I'm raising money to help GLSEN achieve their goal. I'm committed to running an Olympic distance triathlon by the end of the summer with a couple of baby steps along the way. I need you to donate to my fundraising page through GLSEN's main website page by clicking here. Any amount helps. And if you don't feel comfortable donating on line, feel free to mail a check into GLSEN at the address listed on their webpage www.glsen.org. Just make sure that you list that it's for my triathlon challenge. And feel free to return to this blog for regular updates on my progress - words and pictures as I take this challenge head on.

I had the opportunity to grow up to be all of the things that I ever dreamed I could be. And all of the things that I never thought I could - like being an athlete. Help me help GLSEN make that a reality for another generation of kids.


Donate now.