Journey's End

5:30 came fast. Sitting in the transition zone with over 600 other racers, the anxiety of race day was getting to be a bit much to handle. I tried to remember my promise to take my anxiety and turn it into excitement rather than worry. Looking at the swim course didn't help. I hadn't been in the water in over a month and a 1 mile swim seemed just about impossible at this point. But I made a promise to myself and to GLSEN and to all of the people who believed in me enough to donate to my cause and so it was time to just do it.

The anxiety of the swim ended the minute the air horn blew announcing my wave. Entering the water, I knew it would be a long plod around the buoys to the finish. I tried to remember to stay consistent and not go too fast. I kept looking up to follow the first buoy and it always seemed so far away. Eventually I closed in on it, comforted that I was a third of the way done but realizing I had just surpassed my longest practice swim and still had 2/3 of a mile to go. Just keep kicking, just keep swimming. I saw a mixture of colored swim caps, those from the wave before and those from the wave after. Rounding the second buoy, the last buoy in sight, I just tried to keep my head above water amidst the kicking and paddling of the other racers. I climbed out of the water to cheers and support from Tony. I was dizzy, but I made it. I made my way to the transition zone peeling off my wetsuit. I really thought the hardest part was over.

On my bike now, I settled in. I didn't have as much of a problem with the bike in the sprint distance race as I thought I would. I was hoping today wouldn't be any different. The wind picked up and it felt like no matter how hard I pedaled, I went nowhere. As biker after biker pedalled past me, I felt somewhat stymied. The olympic course circled twice and as I got to the first turn around I looked at my watch and found that I was surprisingly about on track with time. While comforting, I knew I had another go around mostly against the wind and my back and seat were starting to get very uncomfortable. After nearly an hour and a half, I rolled into the transition zone knowing that once off that bike, running was going to be very hard.

The last leg of the race, the run, began two hours after the start of the race. Already, the weather was hot and muggy. Six miles and change to go. Beat down by the bike, I knew the run would be my place to shine, I knew that when push came to shove the run was my strong point. But in my brick day training, I had problems completing runs because of fatigue. Now I was adding a prior swim. Suddenly six miles, an hour more of running, seemed rather impossible. A last cheer of encouragement from Tony as I left the transition area and it was just me and the course, one foot in front of the other, until the finish. The start of the run is always tough, the legs need some time to adjust. But only one mile into the run, my legs cramped up. No problem, I walked through the water station and kept going. But only half a mile later, I had to stop again. And again a half mile later. With four miles to go, I was beginning to feel defeated. The temperature was already climbing and I feared that today would be as frustrating as my training days.

As I started to run again, I thought about my endeavor to conquer this physical challenge. I thought about how much I've learned about myself in these months of training. It's been an interesting path of physical strength and endurance as well as a bit of soul searching. I've learned alot about what I can do, what I can expect of myself, and how I fit in a little easier into my own world. I've been able to work through a few things and embark on forgiveness. I also thought about my inspiration Carl Walker Hoover. I kept thinking about how Carl would never have the opportunity to be in my place, would never have the chance to challenge himself to be someone he never thought he could be. This thought coupled with my fatigue overwhelmed me. I started to cry.

After another brief walk, my legs started to unfreeze. My stride widened out and my competitive spirit went into overdrive. I wouldn't allow myself to walk any more except through water stations. To push myself, I looked at the race numbers of the people in front of me and whispered "first I'm gonna pass 842, then I'm going to pass 1357...". When I realized that I was still close to breaking my goal of completing the race in under 3 hours, I became a different person - amazed, embattled, driven. An athlete - the one I never considered myself to be. Unstoppable now, with no more thought of fatigue or fear, nothing behind me anymore except the old vision of myself, I ran faster and faster until I crossed the finish line after only 2 hours and 51 minutes - beating my ambitious goal of finishing under 3 hours.

We are a people with amazing potential and amazing power. We can be and do the best or the worst. We can teach and inspire others to be their best or their worst. We have the capacity to create and develop or destroy and defeat. We can grow or we can languish. And as much as we can try to do it ourselves, we cannot help but belong. There will always be more in us than we know and perhaps if we can all be made to see it, we will forever be unable to settle for less.

On the Brink

Well, here we are. 36 hours until the Olympic distance triathlon that I set out to conquer months ago. It's been an interesting path of physical strength and endurance as well as a bit of soul searching. I've learned alot about what I can do, what I can expect of myself, and how I fit in a little easier into my own world. I've been able to work through a few things, embark on forgiveness, and put a big check mark in front of the biggest physical challenge of my life.

well, hopefully.

But, on the brink of this endeavor, what I do know for sure is that people from disparate parts of this country, disparate walks of life, disparate cares and woes, and different histories answered my challenge to raise money for GLSEN to help them make schools a safe place for kids. Together, we've raised a little over $3,ooo.

And that's not about the race.